This will sound haphazard. Precisely because i am feeling quite disoriented now. Losing my foothold somehow. It may seem inconsequential to most but i have just lost something very very dear to me. A pendant which i have been wearing daily for 5 years since Sept 20 1998. It was nothing expensive, just a little celtic pendant he bought from Ireland while on a trip there. I am quite sure it was never bought intentionally for me either. However, on the day of our departure from singapore to london, on my first year overseas, he put this pendant on me while we were waiting for the flight in the waiting lounge inside terminal 2. I could still remember quite clearly that i have been feeling miserable and sad because it was my first time leaving home to study overseas when he suddenly said that he had something for me. It was barely 2 months after we started going out together "officially" but yet this was one of the most important day of our lives together. It may sound silly but somehow, it has always felt that when he put the pendant on me, from then on, there was an unmistake feeling on my part that we have a bond beyond just friends. Despite many setbacks early in the relationship, this pendant had always made me felt somewhat special, perhaps a sense of belonging when all else around me sometimes denote otherwise. A branding of sort maybe. Branding me to him.

Throughout the years, the pendant lost it initial lustre but it didn't matter. I wore it everywhere i go everyday. On a few occasions when we fought, i took it off as a demonstration of cutting him off from myself but inevitably, it never stay off for more than 3 days. The pendant has grown to symbolize us. During the roughest period of our relationship, the pendant and the ring were the first things i thought of giving up beyond all else. And throughout the last 5 years of us being together, there has only been once when i have ever wanted to give them back to him. The value of these two combined is worth alot more than diamonds and pearls in my mind.

I cannot really articulate what things can mean for one, especially for me. I know i am someone who place tremendous amount of sentimental values on objects. I personify and give meanings to my belonging. Not a particularly good thing in this instance because by giving this pendant such symbolism and meaning, i find myself unable to detach myself from it. Between the pendant and the ring which i am now wearing on my left hand, i would have bear the pain slightly better if i have lost the ring. The pendant is older and was there right at the start. I feel lost without it.

Its stupid. So many times i asked how could i have lost it. How could i? How could i just drop it? I keep thinking and thinking about it. What carelessness? How could i? Where? Somehow i just still want to have hope of finding it but yet not daring to because fearing the disappointment will be greater still. But i am not willing to just let go like that. I am like that. Problem with letting go anything dear to me. Foolish selfishness. Narrowmindedness. Fool. To feel physical pain.

I don't care when you told me it is okie and that i will still feel it in my heart. I don't want to forget. I don't want you to forget. Don't you realize that you might? I don't want to give up. I don't want to hear that you are glad i feel so much for the pendant because it meant that i feel alot for us too. I know that. But this is not about that. This is about keeping hold of my last binding tread to what this relationship has been for me before everything cracked up last year. All my memories and emotions and love was anchored by it near my heart and now it seems everything is chaotic around me. I am feeling lost.

I have not said this for so long. But i love you. And you are right, i do. I just could never say it out loud for the last year. I have whispered it many times inside me and the pendant knows. See. Now everything is unleashed without it. You are glad because what you had hoped to hear has been released. But i have also lost something that stablized me throughout the year. Don't tell me that i shouldn't place so much empharsis on material objects. I don't really care.

I just felt so lost.